The Grieving Process

When someone we love dies, we grieve — an experience that can be one of the most difficult of a lifetime. Grief is a natural and normal — though often very painful — response to loss. At times, grief can be so intense and seem overwhelming, it can be frightening. People often wonder if the feelings they have are normal and worry if they are grieving in the "right" way. No two people will respond to the same loss in the same way; each person has his/her own way of coping. Acknowledging the grief is one step in the healing process. The grieving process takes time and one should not expect to be "back to normal" in a month or even a year. Be patient with yourself during this difficult time and allow others to help.

Common Reactions to Loss
Though each person experiences and expresses their grief differently, there are many common reactions to loss and physical symptoms that a grieving person might experience.

If you have suffered a loss, you may, or may not, experience one or more of the following:

• Feeling as though the loss isn't real — that it didn't actually happen
• An empty feeling, incredible loneliness, isolation or despair
• Feeling as if you are "going crazy"
• Difficulty concentrating, paying attention or remembering
• Dream of the deceased or don't dream of them at all
• Preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased or feeling the presence of the deceased
• Yearning and searching for the deceased
• Feelings of anxiety or restlessness
• Forget what you're doing or don't finish things you've started
• Feelings of anger, guilt, injustice or helplessness
• Crying at unexpected times
• Decreased interest in activities or lowered self-esteem

Some physical symptoms may include:

• Feeling of tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest
• Difficulty sleeping
• Loss of energy and extreme fatigue
• Nausea or headaches
• Change in appetite and moods

These feelings are generally natural and should be honored to resolve the grief. Tears are the body's way of releasing the hurt and pain we feel. It is important to let yourself cry when you feel like it and to talk with people when you need to talk. Remember, there is no time limit to the grieving process.

Seek professional help
At any time during the grieving process, you may find it helpful to seek the support of a professional counselor or mental health professional. However, if you are grieving, you should definitely seek professional help if:

• You have persistent thoughts or feelings of ending your life or are contemplating suicide
• You are unable to function in your daily activities of life
• Life seems meaningless and you can find nothing pleasing or positive
• You or others notice prolonged periods of sadness, despair, sleeping or appetite changes

Healing Opportunities
It's been said that Time heals all things. The intensity of grief will naturally change over time, but here are some things that you can do to help in your healing process:

• Give yourself permission to grieve; let yourself cry and express your feelings openly.
• Find someone that you can talk to — someone with whom you are comfortable. Bereaved persons often have the need to tell and retell their stories.
• When someone offers help, consider accepting the gesture. Grieving is exhausting, so conserve energy.
• Take care of your physical health. Eat right, sleep well and exercise. Physical activity may help to release natural emotions, like anger or guilt.
• Do things that feel good to you - take baths, read, exercise, watch television, spend time with friends and family or whatever else feels nurturing to you.
• Try not to make major decisions or big life changes for the first year after the death.
• Remember there is no "right" way or appropriate time frame in which to grieve.
• Consider a grief support group.
• If grief is overwhelming or intense, seek professional help.

Help a friend
If you know someone who is grieving, here are ways you can help:

• Listen. Encourage the expression of thoughts and feelings.
• When offering help, be specific and honor the griever's response to your offer.
• Remember difficult dates such as anniversaries, birthdays or holidays.
• Don't avoid talking about the person who has died. Instead, share special memories.
• Avoid clichés like "I understand" or "You should..." If you don't know what to say, just let the person know you are there.
• Encourage the bereaved person to join a support group or seek help through their faith community or professional counseling.
• Be patient and non-judgmental. Remember that each person should grieve in his/her own way and time frame.